Don't Let Anyone Lie

Rihanna has been a rough subject with me for some time now. When all of the Chris Brown stuff came out a few years ago, I was totally on her side and ready for Chris to go to jail. It especially irked me when female celebrities either fell into the conspiracy of silence and said nothing about it, or said nothing against it. The only person who spoke out mildly against Brown was Usher, when he saw a photo of Brown jet skiing between court hearings. Usher is quoted saying, "Really man? You have no remorse?". Later, Usher had to make a public apology for making this statement. I think that is wrong. More people should have stood up for Rihanna, even if they didn't slander Chris Brown. Many people actually spoke out against her saying she has no right to call the police on Brown because they were celebrities and get special treatment. I don’t care if you are famous, poor, rich, mentally ill, or anything else; YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO BE SAFE AND PROTECTED. I still think he deserved far more punishment than he got, and I think she deserved to be supported as a survivor of abuse by everyone. But, as some victims do, she went back to her abuser. They are together and probably still in a toxic relationship.

I support her getting out of the relationship, but that is her business and her choice. I will not shame or judge someone for where they are, but support them becoming a survivor when or if they were a victim inside an abusive relationship. Then I heard "Love the Way You Lie" by Rihanna and Eminem, and realized something horrifying. Abuse is fetishized in our culture, and they are supporting that. She has experienced this herself and is not speaking against it, she is making it sexy. Neither one are speaking against it, just about it in a suggestive way. This song personally hurt me. I am an abuse survivor, and I can tell you there is nothing sexy, fun, or 'fetishable' about this matter. I would never wish what I have been through on my worst enemy, let alone teach it to others as ok through sex.

In the song Rihanna represents the woman saying "Just gonna stand there and watch me burn. That's alright because I like the way it hurts. Just gonna stand there and hear me cry. That's alright because I love the way you lie." This is saying that the woman enjoys it. She enjoys the pain of being struck down and beaten. This makes it sound like it is ok and even worse, normal. Then some of Eminem's rap lyrics say "As long as the wrong feels right it's like I'm in flight…I guess I don't know my own strength…Next time I'm pissed I'll aim my fist at the dry wall…If she ever tries to fuckin' leave again, I'ma tie her to the bed and set this house on fire!”. These are the words of a person who abuses, knows it’s wrong, still does it, and gets off on it. There is no changing, no going back, and no truth in any apology. The lyrics even say, “I apologize, even though I know it's lies!” The abuser will never actually go to therapy or get help. Abuse is about power, pride, and control. It would hurt their pride to admit they are compensating for the power they don’t have, and in turn attempt to keep control in their own hands inappropriately. The entire time these lyrics are being said, the music video is playing the story of a man and a woman (played my Megan Fox, a popular sex symbol) in a toxic relationship, abusing each other, and having sex through it and getting off on the anger. This is a subliminal message to the adolescents and adults who watch this and listen to the song. It is brain washing them to think that abuse is sexy and a game. It fetishizes pain through anger and physical brutality, in relation to sex.

I am personally an advocator of any sex practice that is consensual between two human beings of appropriate age. I even support S&M when done correctly. There is an education about it that you must go through to be safe when performing BDSM. There are negotiation skills, safety rules and words, and boundaries to be learned before ever dipping into that kind of stuff. Once you acquire the maturity of those skills and have full conversations about it with your partner, I believe it is fully consensual and safe. If you try to do it on your own without taking classes or reading up on it, it can allow unwanted darkness into the bedroom.

There is nothing consensual about abuse. It is a power struggle and must be stopped. I hope that we can start teaching children, and people in general, to think critically about media forms like this song and music video. If we fail to do so, I fear the worst for their health and well being in relationships, and in return their entire lives.